A Little Rant

In this episode, I talk about drama from my living situation last year, as well as how I have and continue to navigate it. This episode is not factual and is emotionally charged, which is reflected in my strong use of language. I spill the tea from my point of view, and I also provide a brief update on my life since the last upload.

TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains content referencing suicidal thoughts and suicide.

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Transcript

A Little Rant

 Hey, hey, this is Aubrey, and you are listening to Thinking Sideways. So, um, I was a liar yet again in the last episode where I said that I was going to be recording more frequently, which seems to be an ongoing theme here, but, um, life kind of took control. So I am actually back in college, and it's kind of a crazy schedule right now. So I'm fighting for my life out here. I'm taking organic chemistry and physics at the same time, which is, um, a disaster. But I'm also like taking biology. So at this point, it doesn't even really feel like I am a psychology major because I only have one psychology class and I only think about it once a week on Sunday for like maybe two hours. And I don't even have to take notes for it, just super easy stuff. So it's a little chaotic with chemistry and stuff. But, um, yeah, I just worked over the summer. It has been a little minute since I've hopped on here, and unfortunately, um, I don't have like, great news about since the last update. I actually wanted to come on here today to rant a little bit about things that I've wanted to say, but I haven't been able to say, so I'm kind of just tired of taking the high road. And I just want to let some things off my chest about my living situation last year, which was really stupid. So, um, that's what I'm going to be ranting about today. I'm not going to say names, and if I do, I'm going to try to cut them out. However, these people, um, should be well aware if they are listening on who I'm talking about. And, um, yeah. So just to to really get in there, I'm talking about this about my past roommates and how terrible everything was at the end of the year. Unfortunately, I'm not really friends with two of them. One of them I am kind of still friends with. I don't really like see her anymore, but there's like nothing bad that really happened. They're just kind of growing apart. And the other two did do shit though, unfortunately. Um, and that's probably going to change my trajectory with relationships and friendships, um, for the rest of my life. So that's very unfortunate. And I think it's very unfair. The way that things rolled out. And I'm honestly, I it just feels wrong to me to leave things off with the last episode saying that like, oh, they probably won't, but I don't. They might be on the podcast in the future. Um, they won't, so they won't be on the podcast. So, um, obviously like a miracle could happen, but I think it's very unlikely. And if they were to come on, that means that I've let people walk over me again, which I'm not necessarily planning on. So basically, um, shit hit the fan and I was just trying to remedy the situation last year, the best of my ability, especially, um, amidst finals and shit and navigating a whole bunch of different things. Basically, shit hit the fan and like, I think April, the entirety of my friendship with my roommates last year, I have been extremely open about my mental health and my metacognition. That is something that is very important to me, something that is very innate to me, to be very communicative of that stuff. And, um, I've shared things. They've shared things like there was really like, no problem with that. And I told them things that I haven't told anybody else. And unfortunately, um, that didn't really help, but. Apparently they kind of used this against me. So towards the end, I sometimes will slip into these, um, moments in my life where I get super paranoid about the people around me. I read too much into things, and it's very overwhelming because no matter what they say or what I ask, there's no clarification that really needs to be held there. It's more about I need to like, recenter, refocus myself. And I've been open about that to them, like the entirety of our living situation and friendship, really. And so I, I was very clear about my struggle with this. And it just comes and it goes. Right. That's as mental health typically does. So I don't even there was like, it's so stupid. Honestly, what happened is so fucking stupid. That's really the only way to put this. Um, I was getting a little bit paranoid that I was reading into a few details, and I started to get that wave of people, uh, namely, two people are mad at me right now, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Asking them if they're mad at me isn't going to fix it, because I will still live in my world of delusion, regardless which I've told them about. Let me make that very clear. And so to remedy that, instead of trying to. Sit in that belief and believe it. I decided to create a little bit of space from it so that I could hopefully process it, but not over process it in my own time by myself. Because like I said, there was nothing at that point that they could really do to help me, and I was aware of that. So it was just like something stupid like that. So I remember I had like try to fight through that feeling of they are mad at me or these people don't like me. And I was trying to sit with that and continue to try to add to a conversation or start a conversation. And I just wasn't getting the vibe that they were giving back. So instead of spiraling, I decided to create some space. And I went into my room and I remember playing Club Penguin because the new Club Penguin update had happened. So that is the honest truth is that I created space. And I mean, I even have like text proof of texting friends. And I mean, I even was talking in game to people saying like, I think they're mad at me, but I don't know why and really just trying to address the situation, but in a format that felt most comfortable to me and more lighthearted, like a game called Club Penguin. Like be so fucking for real. So I just remember unwinding that way and leaving that space. And then I also was like, you know what? If they are mad at me? Um, let's just say they are. So if they are, then I'm just going to leave this space here. And you know what? I am fully capable of doing things on my own without people. And that's taken me a lot of time to process. So I remember I like, went to the gym by myself. Um, I think it was even that same night. I just went to the gym and I ran like five miles. I mean, not like without walking a little bit in between, but, I mean, I, I pretty much ran five miles. Let's be real. And, um, then I, like, came back. I didn't say anything to them. And then I was like, I am independent. I don't need them to go with me places. I am fully capable of doing this. So I went to Taco Bell by myself and I came back. And then they seemed kind of like, I think, or at least the way it was perceived to me, in which obviously I know I have a sense of delusion, uh, which is very hard to factor in here because. My struggle with mental health is a lot of, um, delusion, kind of and delusional perspectives on things. So when I'm looking back, it's especially difficult to separate what was a delusion, what was justified? Because I don't know if my feelings at the time are altering my memory of it, or if I am currently in a state of delusion. And that's altered, altering how I view something. So I'm always mindful of that, and trying to be cognizant of the fact that I am not, um, like a record keeper. I'm a human being, was not treated like one at the end, but I am one regardless for you guys anyways. So so they seem kind of pissed off. And honestly, I was a little bit frustrated because I started to bite into that belief, which like I said, I've been very clear to them about that and I hadn't said anything rude to them. I didn't even say, I'm creating space. I just created that space quite naturally. Um, apparently they did not like this. So let me tell you that they were not a fan of that technique. Oh, so it happened for a few days where I was kind of, like, frustrated because I thought they were angry at me. And the more I looked at it, the more I realized they have no reason to be angry at me. And it felt like it was not fair for them to be angry at me because I had done nothing wrong. Which is kind of a new perspective for me, because in the past, when I've had these kinds of, um, views of being a little delusional, I suppose I, I tend to believe the delusions and point them out myself. So I will say they're mad at me because I did this. They're mad at me because I fucked up somehow. And this situation was a little bit different because I was really trying to get to the root of it and use the evidence of I hadn't done anything wrong. So therefore, if they are mad, there is no justification for that. That is a new thought process for me. Um, a new workaround with a similar problem, because I was no longer targeting it towards myself and spiraling, I was instead using that to empower myself and get through it. But unfortunately, that was not enough for these people. So. Oh, I have so much like anger still inside of me. And you can call me petty if they're listening to this. I kind of doubt it. But you can say whatever the fuck you want, but I don't care. Um, because they have hurt me and terrible, terrible ways. So basically, they got offended at the fact that I created space and was kind of just processing things on my own, didn't ever say anything to them or anything like that. I wasn't necessarily ignoring them, but I wasn't actively engaging with them either. Like I was not sitting in the living room as much or, um, starting side conversations about something random. It was very much just like in my own world, focusing on what I was capable of, despite feeling like people were angry at me, which is once again a new kind of way of thinking for me. So I just went about business, and then a couple of days later, one of them, uh, paused me as I was going to like the bathroom or something, or. Yeah, and then I. I came back from the bathroom and she stopped me before going to my room and I was like, hey, I'm going to, I'm going to take a nap. And she was like, is it okay if we chat for a bit? And I was like, okay. That conversation, uh, was terrible. So basically it was her pinning like, oh, well, what's wrong? Because clearly you've been ignoring me for the past couple days and that's unacceptable or whatever. And I was like, I wasn't ignoring you. I was creating space, which I guess you could be like, yeah, I just changed the label out, I don't care. And I was like, well, I thought you guys were angry at me. And she's like, well, we thought you were angry at us. And I was like, oh, cool. This should be like a high five moment where you're like, lol, miscommunication. Ha ha. Funny. I thought you were angry at me. You thought I was angry. You know, that's so funny because in reality, nobody was actually angry. So that's a really fun, happy friendship moment, right? Um, wrong. You would think that I was like, ready to, like, laugh that off, but unfortunately, um, she was not really willing to do that. And I told her the start of it, which I guess, um, my mistake was trusting her with that. And, uh, I was saying like, oh, yeah, well, I'm kind of going through this, and I thought you guys were mad at me because of this. Then she made me feel even more delusional for thinking that what just makes things worse. Which is why I didn't want to bring these things up. I don't remember everything about the conversation. This is several months ago, obviously, and it was very painful. So I remember crying at that and she did not shed a single tear during that. And that will always sit with me. Um, just like breaking down in front, in front of somebody and then being stone faced is psychopathic behavior. I know I'm a psychology major, so I don't say those things lightly, but that was really fucking weird. Um, I understand people use a defense mechanism, and, uh, like, she has trauma with her family and shit, but, like, you have a friend who's crying in front of you and you're showing little to no empathy. That is really weird. Um, I don't think that makes you look strong. I think that makes you look incredibly naive and weak. Actually, uh, to not be able to show that emotion to somebody that really trusts you and cares about you and would never say something bad about you. Very bizarre way of handling that situation, in my opinion. So I didn't feel too great about that conversation. And the more I processed it, the more I hated the way that that conversation went. And that caused me to send a text to the other person that was involved in this whole thing. And in that group chat, I was like, hey, we can we have like a conversation on this day or whatever. And they said, sure. So, um, that's what happened. I was like, okay, cool. I'm gonna stand up for myself better in this conversation to the person I was just talking to. I'm also going to clarify things to the person that I haven't talked to yet about this. Um, that conversation could really not have gone much worse, because it really wouldn't have been worse if they had stabbed me during it, because I'm not I'm not even really being that dramatic. It was that terrible. Um, because not only did I end up with one person not showing any level of care, two people actually showing no level of care. So I remember saying, like, hey, is my delusion. Isn't it kind of like funny? Ha ha. That like, nobody was actually mad. But we thought people were mad, so we can, like, move on. Um, but instead they twisted it into pointing at my mental health and who I am as a person, and that that was the sole problem of everything. And then that spun into dissecting the dynamic of our entire relationship and friendship and everything, and how I was always the root of all of the problems. And they could sit here and say, that's not what we said. Okay, bitch, you need to write the words down, read them, and then maybe you'll understand that that is exactly what you said. So and that is what you were saying. That's what you meant. And it really showed their true colors, to be honest with you, um, it became a storyline of how I hold on to things, how I have grudges against people and how because I can't let things go. It causes all these problems in my friendships and how they don't really want to be around me because of those things. Even though I have been explicitly clear with both of them, I shared an aspect of my childhood trauma that I have never shared with anybody outside of a therapist. And I mean, I rarely even talk about it with my own family members, but I decided to trust them with this, like, I don't know, months previously. So they had known this. So I've explained to them my difficulty in letting things go. That's in quotation marks, in case you couldn't tell, because obviously, like my child, not obviously to you, but obviously to me and to them, my childhood trauma was amplified by the fact that people it was very hush hush, shoved under the rug, um, don't talk about it. And I know that, like, my parents didn't intend that and whatever, but that is exactly what did happen from my perspective. So in my experience of that was that I'm not allowed to remember these things or hold things against people because it's in the past, um, because so-and-so has changed, so-and-so is older or whatever. So for me, that's always been something I've had difficulty with, and I have expressed that to them numerous times, that it is difficult for me to let things go because some part of my soul is trying to stand up for younger me that was not capable of doing that, because to let people win all the time by just forgiving and moving on and whatever it's. It's just pushing down that voice, um, of like a nine year old me. So that is why I do that. That's why I remember oddly specific arguments, disagreements, situations with friends and family and everybody else because they might seem meaningless to you, but they are never meaningless to me if I remember it that way. And honestly, sometimes it's not worth bringing it back up because people will then use that against me as well. You're just like, overthinking this whole thing and you're crazy. So then I won't. And there. But then if I do, so if I do, they think I'm crazy. If I don't, then they think I'm also crazy. So I literally can't win because they're like, when you should have brought this up. And then they used the logic of, because this conversation with both of them had spun into, um, a whole bunch of other little stupid details about things that they've said at different points in time. And they kept just using that ammunition of, you remember this, and you never brought it up. So you can't be upset about it because you never brought it up. Well, actually, bitch, you're wrong. I can do that. And I am going to do that because what the actual fuck is that supposed to mean? Am I not supposed to talk to you about trauma that I've had in my childhood, because I didn't bring it up during that? No, clearly that's not how anything works. So that logic is extremely flawed. Of course, I'm going to bring things up in my own time and whatever, because I'm human. But you can't use an excuse of it happened in the past and you didn't bring it up to me right then and there. So it's unfair for you to hold this against me. Okay? You can say that. It's unfair. Whatever. You have to remember that I am not a robot. And I've also been clear to you about my delusions, so I don't understand quite where that dichotomy ends, because it kept being pinned. Like that's unfair. You can't hold this against me because you didn't bring it up then. Okay, well, I also didn't know right there and then that I was still going to be remembering it right now. How would I have known, uh, even a day within something happening that I was going to necessarily remember it in like a year? So that's unfair to say that I can't bring something up or still be frustrated about something because I didn't talk to you while it was fresh. That's a stupid argument, and I'm going to die on that hill. Honestly, I kind of hope that they listen to this and they're still going to be writing their high horse and I really don't fucking care. So I'm angry. That's why this is a little rant, little vent. I don't even know if I'm publishing this, but honestly, I just needed to say this because I'm tired of trying to be the bigger person in this situation when I was wronged on so many different levels. So it. And that's exact same conversation while I'm bawling my eyes out to these people trying to relate to them, explain my pain, explain why I am the way I am, and they're staring at me with straight faces. No emotion whatsoever. Uh, not giving a mere crumb of empathy. And they have the nerve to then also bring up living situations, which was not the time. Yes, you know who you are if you're listening to this. Not the fucking time to say that I make your space unsafe and uncomfortable. As I am sitting there crying to you about how I hold these things and how they hurt me continuously over time. And I'm like very clearly upset. And, you know, I've struggled with depression. You know, I've struggled with suicidal thoughts. And you're going to just sit there while I'm breaking down and you're going to just keep smacking shit into the conversation. Oh, I don't fucking think so. Um, I, I shouldn't you not. They were sugarcoating things and I would have to full stop in the conversation. Say so what you're saying is this. But you're saying it nicely. And she was like, well, if you put it like that. See, now that makes me feel bad. But but yeah. Oh, girl, that's because you are bad. That's why. Reality check. I literally just translated what you're saying in real time to clarify that that's what you meant and intended, and you said yes in the literal moment. So you can't say that you didn't know how that was perceived when I told you in the moment that that is how that is coming across, and you verified that that is basically what you meant, but you didn't want to feel like a shitty person, so you were saying it in a nicer way. Fuck you. You know who you are. Fuck you. Because now I will never, ever live that down. That you said I make your space unsafe and uncomfortable in the midst of a complete mental breakdown. Crying in front of you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate them. And you know what I. Yeah, I don't care. They're not coming back on this podcast. I really do not care. Uh, I really I kind of hope that they do see hear this. They're gonna be like. She's crazy. You can't believe she said this. And she's delusional. Fuck you. Absolutely. Fuck you. You do not deserve any form of leadership in the honors program. Now you know who you are. You do not deserve to ever work with students in a school setting. As a psychologist, you are so underqualified for those things in life that it's comedic. To be honest with you, it is kind of hilarious that you think you should be working with children that are going through difficult things. When you just showed to me, this is how you treat your friends that are going through something difficult. Wow, what a way to show your true colors. And yes, you know exactly who you are and I don't give a flying fuck that you also have mental health problems and that the core of you saying that is you make my space uncomfortable because and unsafe because I also struggle with mental health and your mental health is triggering for mine. Well guess what, girlie? You could have used your big girl words, and you could have said that during the time it was relevant, because saying I make your space unsafe and uncomfortable after a year of living with you is so detrimental to my faith in communicating with anybody ever. Now, how the hell am I supposed to trust that I'm on good terms with people if they're believing that about me, that I'm hurting them, and then they're not telling me, and then they're using that against me. What the fuck? So. Oh, I I it pisses me off. Um, so, yeah, I make their space unsafe and uncomfortable. Those words ring in my head all the fucking time. All the time. I mean, I've told my current roommates about that because now I'm with three completely different roommates because I no longer obviously live with any of the ones from last year. I just how am I supposed to want to open up to people and form a comfortable environment? Because apparently I make people's spaces uncomfortable, you guys. How am I supposed to want to trust people with things if that's how I'm treated from people that I've deemed to be very good friends? What the actual fuck? People suck so much, I hate them, I hate them so much. I'm telling you, I had never been that close to committing suicide as I was in that conversation. I remember even like saying things during that conversation to hint to them that this was putting me in a very terrible place where I was like, I'm done like this. Like I'm not going to ever have to worry about this again. Things that are like, not really exactly like that, but things that are very like definitive sentences, um, as I'm crying and as I'm clearly very like frustrated and upset and they're sitting there with their straight face and then they have to be like, well, I can't speak for her, but I feel like this conversation, I don't feel very good about how this conversation went. Oh my God, you do not have the right to say that. When you just sat staring at me, bawling my eyes out with a straight face, you do not get to say that you don't feel good about how this conversation went. Oh, because it revealed that you're a terrible person. That hurts people. Is that why you don't feel good about the way the conversation went? Because you did absolutely nothing in the course of the conversation to redirect the path that it was already going. Wow, the the one to like, say their name is crazy because I'm like, but like, the people around me know who I'm talking about, and obviously they would know what I'm talking about, although I really don't think they have, um, the guts to listen to this because they're going to be like, that's not true. And it hurts my feelings. I don't give a flying fuck. You hurt me in such a terrible way that now I'm going to have to fucking carry that for the rest of my life, because you both decide to team up on me over shit and use my mental health as the cause for everything that goes wrong. And that is really fucked up. Especially if you are going into psychology. What the actual fuck do you think you're doing if you're planning on helping people and this is how you treat people that you care about. Oh honey, I do not think you should ever have clients. I don't think you should ever be in leadership for the honors program. I don't think you should ever be in leadership. Period. I do not think you have the maturity, the emotional maturity, anything to do that because you harm people and you need to know that. And that's why I hope that they're listening to this. I hope that this is a reality check, because they need to know that they are wrong. Because what the actual fuck? Um, I have tried to reevaluate this situation countless times ever since it happened. Am I in the wrong and my misremembering things? Am I delusional and my blowing things out of proportion? No. And the answer to all of those is. No like I, I genuinely it is just so incredibly fucked up the way that they treated me. Um, and then for that entire month, it was awful. And, I mean, I had finals and everything, I, I stopped talking to them pretty much also like at the end of that, I'm sorry. I'm all over the place. This is obviously very emotional for me. Like I'm crying now because I've thought about this so many fucking times that I'm dead to it. Also, I haven't cried thus far in this semester. I'm not crying over these bitches. They are not worthy of me. Shedding my first tears this semester. Because if organic chemistry and physics haven't taken me out yet, these bitches are not taking me out yet. At the end of that conversation, I was like, extremely suicidal and I genuinely planned on killing myself. Sorry for like just dumping that on here, but I genuinely stormed out in like my pajamas I was wearing put on Birks, um, with my phone. Surprised I even took that because I really didn't care at that point. And I remember walking to the staircase and saying, okay, if I go up, I am going up to fifth floor and I am going to jump off of the fifth floor and I'm going to kill myself. And if I go down the stairs, then I am going to walk in any direction for a long ass time and I don't care, um, when or if I get home. And obviously I'm still talking here, so I and I'm not paralyzed or anything. So I chose to walk. But I remember I just like walked down a random trail for a long time until it reached the end. And, um, just being so angry, being like, they're not invited to my funeral, um, saying like I do not want them to, like, ever be like, oh my God, I can't believe she killed herself. Like you killed me, basically. But it's like, let's be real. Um, I might have been the one that jumped, but let's be real. Your words were pushing me. So there you go. And your actions were pushing me. I remember I broke down, ended up calling a close friend that was obviously not one of my roommates. And she immediately came over and, um, we hung out for a couple of hours after this whole thing happened. But, I mean, I have never hit rock bottom quite like that. Been that close to actually just full on committing because it felt like my whole world was falling apart. These friendships that I had built, that were so strong in my mind that I had trusted these people with so much of my identity, with my mental health, and then to have people I trust to use that against me and use that as the like explanation for everything that has gone wrong is so harmful and so destructive. Um, I felt so. Used. And I mean, obviously I'm still alive a little while, but wow. And oh, and of course of that conversation, they had the fucking nerve to say, oh, well, we don't want to live with you, right? They were saying, we don't want to live with you next year because you make my space unsafe and uncomfortable. Okay, bitch, I'm going to slap you right now. Um, they had the nerve to be like, well, we're not saying we don't want to be friends. You know, we can still go and get coffee next year. I think I might have laughed when they said that because of how outlandish that sound. You're sitting in front of one of your best friends who's crying because of things that you're saying and doing, and then you're going to say that we can hold hands and drink coffee next year. Um, and it'll just be like good old times, but we're not roommates. Oh, honey, I know you were used to walking over me, but that one is is like driving over me. That's quite different, you know? That's a different level of abuse. So I still laugh about that now that they literally said, well, we can still like we can still get coffee and like study. Oh, I don't, I don't know about you, but I really don't want to go and have coffee with people that said that I made their space unsafe and uncomfortable. Meanwhile, almost all of the decor in the entire apartment was mine. What the fuck? Everything that made our space cozy and accepting and everything was mine. Pretty much. Um, and guess what? They said that. And I'm, like, super depressed hearing people that just shattered my heart say. But we can still be friends. Oh, I don't fucking think so. I really don't think so, honey. Um, because you just crossed the line in, like, a way that you can no longer go back. It is never going to return to the way that it was. And that's just a fact. That's not me being stubborn. That's not me holding grudges. That's me being honest, and that's me setting a boundary. Oh, she's using her words. Yeah, a boundary. Okay. You know who you are. Who kept being like, it's setting boundaries, babes. When I was like, you're walking over me. Um, or like you're talking down to me because she was talking down to me, and, uh, she just used that as an excuse that I was not respecting her boundaries, which is a little bit crazy, but, you know, obviously I'm not perfect, so probably have fucked up at points, but to treat somebody like that is insane and abusive. Um, and I know that that's probably what was modeled to one of them from her parents growing up. But guess what? You don't you don't get an excuse to treat other people like that. Especially when I have been nothing but kind and understanding to you and would literally, like, jump in front of a train for you. There’s no need for you to treat somebody like garbage that you get to just throw away. And then when you when I'm relevant to you again, you can just have coffee with me. I really don't think so. That's not how this is going to work. So that was awful. Um. I genuinely it pains me whenever I see them. What was the catalyst for this podcast episode was I saw one of them today that I hadn't seen yet this semester and oh, that just really set my blood boiling because what the fuck? Um, I see the other one unfortunately, all the time, but I just ignore her like she does not exist because she is no longer relevant to my life. So because people that hurt you boys and girls should not be your friends. So, um, there you go. I’m just I'm trying my best to give myself the grace to be angry and frustrated. Because, honestly, yeah, that whole situation deserves that. Um, but I also understand it does eventually cross a line where it's like it's now harming myself. And thankfully, I don't think right now that I'm there, maybe at one point, uh, when it was fresher, I was ruminating on it more. And I remember I spent a really fucking long and powerful text to them that they have never responded to, nor do I think they ever will respond to. Um, that basically stated my piece. Um, I only sent it after I had moved out. I had been sitting on that text for a couple of weeks editing it, adding to it, um, cleaning it up, everything. None of it was rude. All of it was my experience with that conversation, but also the dynamic of what they were trying to push on me. And, um, yeah, I've never heard back. Don't don't think I ever will. I don't really care if I hear back. Um, I hope that they read it, but I don't care that much. So part of me feels like it's resolved. But I also feel like part of it will never be resolved because unfortunately, those words are still going to ring in my head. Um, which is very unfortunate. Saying make somebody's space unsafe and uncomfortable is super disorienting for me. Um, and disruptive to. Any living dynamic that I have now. Also, I just want to point out the irony of saying that I make your space unsafe and uncomfortable as you continue to watch movies. Um, on my TV, uh, with your little drinks on my coffee table and snuggling up on with my blankets that are in the living room. I find that incredibly ironic. You're using all of my things without feeling weird about it. They continued to use my TV. Um, up until, like, the day before I moved out, I decided to unplug it. And, oh, the desire to just take down everything that was mine. Like, right when this happened, to make an impact of. Look at how much I impacted your life and you just threw all of that away over something super stupid. Um, it was very strong willed to do that, and I honestly kind of wish I had I wish I had taken down all of those pictures that made it not feel like a hospital. I wish I had taken the TV down so that they could no longer play movies on the same wall that I'm trying to sleep on, um, and invite people over to watch things on my TV. Meanwhile, you're not even talking to me anymore. Um, because you just shattered my heart, and then you're pointing it out. You're not talking to me, but you're not talking to me. You never tried. Um. And also, I'm not going to share pleasantries with you after you just said those things to me in that conversation. Watch me cry and did not care. I'm not going to have a little conversation with you. Sorry. Not sorry. I'd like to say that I wish them nothing but the best. But honestly, that's not even really true because I hope karma kind of gets them a little bit. And I don't really feel bad saying that at all. Um. I hope that they realize what they threw away. And they're probably gonna if they're listening to this get this far, they're gonna be like, she was crazy. What a Dodge bullet. Whatever. You're so fucking annoying. You're so stupid if you think that, um. Because even all this sucked, I still have pains whenever I think of something funny that we had done or said. Or. I have a memory of, you know, a place that we went or a quote that I wrote down. I remember all those things, and it hurts me every time that I remember that I no longer can even really talk to those people, because they don't like the way my brain works. Not only do they not like the way my brain works, they don't like the fact that I shared how my brain works. It sounds like. Because what the actual fuck? Um, the thing is, they used my metacognition against me, but they never would have known about my metacognition if I had not shared it with them. So that is always a very bizarre workaround for me, is that I shared with them the things that they used against me, even though I didn't have to share those things, I did share those things. Um, so now with other people, I'm more hesitant now to share things with people. Uh, I'm more hesitant now to dive head into, um, a friendship with my current roommates because it's constantly a reminder of how terrible things can go and how I never want to be put in that place again, and how no amount of like, isolation is going to hurt as much as that level of betrayal from two people that I care a lot about. So this is like all over the place. But, um, basically, I felt like I was. Ganged up on by two of my roommates last year. Um, I don't really wish the best for them. I think I said that in my last episode, but honestly, girl, I am moving down from the high road because I don't give a flying fuck anymore. Um. I'm tired of them taking up space in my brain that I have a biology quiz tomorrow. I have a chemistry exam I know came exam on Wednesday. I have labs, everything. Like there's so much stuff that I need to be doing that I don't have the time to really sit marinate on this anymore. That's why I think this is an episode that was worthy of creating, even if I don't end up publishing it, which obviously, um, if you are listening to this, I did decide to publish it, but I, I just didn't want my last representation of the situation to be. They might not, but I'm not saying it'll never happen. Um, you know, things could change, and I wish them nothing but the bad girl. No, I don't wish them that. Um. And I'm hurt by them. And I think that it is okay to be hurt by people, and it is okay to be upset with people and hold that. Um, it's not necessarily okay to let it control your life, but thankfully it's not controlling my life. It was a small aspect of my life, and I am frequently reminded of it whenever I see them. But it's not controlling my life, so. That's good. I genuinely cannot afford for it to take over again, and I just, I don't think there's ever a conversation that can patch, uh, what was lost. So I just wanted to have that, like, on the record that I am not being walked over. And, you know, I'm not a perfect person. I can be frustrated about things. I don't have to be, um, a mediator all the time. I don't need to be trying to please people that are contrarians. Um, because that was exhausting with especially one of the people I'm talking about loves to contradict everything you say. It's almost as if I said the sky is blue. There would be an argument against that, so there would be all the time how exhausting it is to try to find common ground with somebody who loves to argue, despite you saying how frustrating it is for somebody to argue with you on everything. So that's not funny. Ha ha. When I'm telling you that it's not funny haha. But I just want to say my peace to know that I have a record of talking it all out, and I understand my opinions on this are going to change and whatever as I grow and develop as a person. Well, they might, but they might not. Who knows? So I just wanted that to be a thing that exists not only to like put out in the world, but also just for me also, um, because I'm tired of like shoving this, like bringing it up with my parents, even though it, like, pisses them off because now obviously they hate them. But, um, I think of them all the time and little snippets and it still hurts me. And so it feels very weird to then whenever I do upload another episode to be like talking about Mad Cow disease, which, spoiler alert is the next episode I was planning on talking about. Um, and like, not readdress the fact that they're never going to really be on here again. Um, so that's very unfortunate. Also, there were like a whole bunch of drama with like the Instagram page, um, which if you're not following that, you should even though it's kind of dead, but whatever. Basically, like the second that I had published the Club Penguin episode, which had absolutely nothing to do with, um, them, uh, they got super pissed off and were wanting to mass delete everything with a trace of them on like, Instagram. And I mean, I have the texts, receipts, um, saying like, oh, I don't have access to the episodes to delete them, but I can delete you from post on the Instagram. Oh, you're that kind of crazy. I did not know you were that level of insane girly pop to be that pissed off that I, by myself, recorded and publish an episode about Club fucking Penguin. Um, to be that butthurt about it because we're clearly having a little bit of a tiff, so that's why I didn't include her in that process. I'm pretty sure that episode was recorded before that second conversation had happened. Um, not entirely sure if that was the order of events, but regardless, the point still stands that that is a huge overreaction to want to then wipe, um, your name and face off of everything, and also to message other people that were on the podcast to clarify that they would also want their, uh, image wiped off of it all, because I was quote unquote, doing my own thing with the podcast now. So that's a crazy way to interpret that. When we had had zero conversations about the podcast and, um, all this went around behind my back. That's literally insane that you would threaten to delete all of the work we've put in, namely me. Let's be real, I did the majority of this podcast. Um, you would threaten to not threaten, really, but you you were going to delete them if you had access to them. How insane do you think you sound? That is crazy. You think you're going to delete all of this work that you didn't even do because you're a little name is on there. Oh, oh that's weird. That is a level of crazy that I don't even want to begin to understand. Really. Um, because there is no like, there's no way to understand that. Really? That's just you being a bitch. That's you being insane. Honey, that's a wake up call. That is a crazy, crazy response to me creating space and publishing an episode about Club Penguin to then want to wipe your name off of everything and delete and want to delete episode data. That is crazy crazy crazy crazy. So, uh, yeah, that was some drama behind the scenes, you guys. Um, all that was happening at the same time, believe it or not. Uh, and I still have, like, my finals and shit, and I still kicked ass and, you know, keep on keeping on. But, yeah. No, this. I just wanted to to say my piece. That's really going to be all I'm going to say. I'm probably never going to bring this back up again. Um, but I know that I have stated my experience with it. I am not being walked over. Um, and moving forward, obviously, I'm making zero promises now about my upload schedule because obviously school comes first. So, um, yeah, speaking of school, I am doing pretty well. I got over 100% on my organic chemistry quiz. My exam is on Wednesday. Feel relatively good about it. I still hate biology. Um, it just feels like a waste of my time right now. Physics is weird. I switched professors within the first week because I wasn't really liking the one that I had. So taking that online, online now, I also presented it at a research conference this summer. I want to say it was in July, which is really cool because I got to create my own, like, research poster for data that I scored and analyze and all that stuff. So that was a good experience. Um, still working in the lab with rats, which is super cool. But, um, I would say academically I'm doing pretty good, given that my schedule is hell. And, um, yeah, I genuinely don't know how. I haven't had like 50 breakdowns at this point, but it's like, I don't really have time for breakdowns anymore, which is probably bad. Um, and hopefully that doesn't mean it's all building up, but I'm just a girl, you guys. I'm just a girl. I'm a girly in STEM. I'm trying… a girl in Stem that's been backstabbed by two close friends. So take pity on me. Um, wish everybody hate. No, I'm just kidding, but not really. Um. I'm terrible, but not really. So, yeah, I'm gonna end this here and I'll see you whenever I see you, bye!